TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of location. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But yes, guaranteed, let us have A further location in which American men can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: supply Every person a suite about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is soft electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he should really prevent working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the challenge, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head noticeable from Place, a element becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after locating the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It is really not just unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, full with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where by's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is already attracting focus from Global buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge the place my PTSD can have transform-down assistance."


Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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